It has long been speculated that Malcolm Tent, famed punk accordionist who once opened for The Ramones in a pizza joint in Pittsburgh, does not actually exist.
According to an unnamed source, Malcolm is merely an apparition that appears before shows, mostly at Le Grand Fromage in Atlantic City, NJ, only to disappear immediately after performance. Some postulate that he has been appearing at musical performances for thousands or even tens of thousands of years.
An early sketch, which experts estimate was created approximately 50,000 years ago, has been found in a cave in Swaziland and shows a man with hair like the dude from Eraserhead making what appears to be vomiting noises while his friend plays a wooden flute. The likeness is, at the very least, striking.
Professor of Anthropology Jack M. Ehoff of the School of Semi-Mammalian Musicality From The Mesozoic Through Antiquity at the University of Constantinople-Pennsylvania, however, says that he is skeptical of the painting’s authenticity.
“This shit looks fake to me,” he said, adding that “any asshole with a 15 dollar set of acrylics from Michael’s could have painted this in under 10 minutes.”
Despite Ehoff’s skepticism, a group commonly referred to as the “Adherents of Malcolm” make monthly pilgrimages to the site of the cave, where, according to an ex-Adherent, the group members spend most of their time playing accordions, cackling like lunatics, and drinking 16-ounce cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. The group also claims that Tent often appears to them in their dreams, and gives them sagely, yet somewhat incoherent, relationship advice.
Tent’s existence, however, has not yet been disproven. While some of Tent’s fans claim they have seen him walking around Margate, NJ, others claim they have witnessed him transform after shows, leaving the material world and inhabiting his ethereal body-like self, which, according to some guy we found hanging out in Gordon’s Alley, “looks like a bunch of twinkly lights fucking.”
The Ramones could not be reached for comment on this story.